I am restless - I turn to look at my clock. Gosh, it's 3.30am and I am still wide awake. Another one of those nights. Way too many - not even make up and concealers’ are helping now to cover the dark circles and massive eye-bags that seem to have settled permanently and happily in my face. I sit up, quietly since you're fast asleep. I am tilting my head to get a better look at you. You look so peaceful and contend. I see a little smile on your lips forming and quickly disappearing. You still look great. Granted your stubbles have turned a little grey, giving you this "salt-and-pepper look", which makes handsome men into even more handsome middle-aged men. Your eyes have cute little wrinkles from all the fun and laughter you have had back in the days. However, the laughter and fun we used to have, has left the building. I get sad and wonder when that happened. I recall, you used to look at me in this special kind of way. Like you're looking right into me, like you could see my soul, my thoughts and emotions, without me ever having uttered a word. Your eyes and the way you looked at me for the first time instantly caught my attention. It felt like drowning when our eyes met - at that party. Do you remember, I wonder. It was one of those magical moments which you can't emulate but will never forget. It will follow you for the rest of your life; followed by a heart-felt sigh. We talked all night long, entirely forgetting the people around us. The party was long over when we realized that no one was left but us - still sitting, talking, smiling and sharing. It was great and so very special. It was the beginning of us. Of our story. Of our union. We didn't know it then but we both sensed that something special has happened.
Now, 10 years later, I still look at you. Look at your soft brown hair with the little stubborn curl in your neck that you hate so much. I giggle softly. I can picture you standing in front of the bathroom mirror, frowning because of that particular curl. I keep telling you how cute it is and how much I like that curl - you look at my reflection in the mirror, frown and continue fussing with it.
It has been a while since we talked all night long and shared and smiled and giggled. It has been a while since you looked at me that way. These days, our eyes hardly meet. You glance passed me or look at me without really seeing me. I don't know why but suddenly I remember an article in one of those women' magazines. The kind that has those useless fashion pages, with items, no mere mortal will ever be able to afford, unless you sell a kidney or other organ. The article was actually pretty interesting and insightful - surprisingly. It posed the question "How do you know that he is the one?" Well, I thought, that's easy - you just know. But that was back in the days. When our love was still fresh and innocent and all those habits were still deemed cute and not annoying like today. I thought about this article and realized that today I couldn't answer that question so easily anymore. We still love each other, I am sure, but things have changed. WE have changed. It's natural but I always thought we would grow and develop together, at the same time and certainly in the same direction. But I had to learn the hard way that this was not a given.
Suddenly I realize that you are looking at me. Your eyes are sleepy and you give me a puzzled look. "What's going on", you ask. You sound annoyed and bothered. "Good morning handsome", I say. You frown, yawn, scratch und turn to get a look at the clock. "Geez Farrah, you know what time it is? How long have you been up and why are you staring at me like that?". You are angry now and expecting me to answer. "I couldn’t sleep...too many thoughts in my head I guess", I respond hastily, "Sorry, go back to bed." You just look at me, roll your eyes and turn over to the other side.
I climb out of bed and walk into our en-suite bathroom. I turn on the tab and let the cold water run over my hands. I cup some water in both hands and splash it into my face. Drops of water run down my neck. I use my fingers to go through my hair. I look at myself in the mirror, I pose, smile. Suddenly and without any prior warning I realize it. It hits me like a lightning-bolt. Something needs to change and quick.